What Am I Doing?
by CrochetGirl
Summary: Zach's inner monologue, takes place probably the second of third day together. Please be kind, it's my first time writing and I apologize for the horrible summary. After reading everyone's fic, I figured it was high time I contributed.


I lay here in bed, staring up at the ceiling and all I can think is, "_What the hell am I doing? I could be home with Cody or could have picked up an extra shift at the diner. Instead I'm here at Gabe's with..._"

Shaun shifts in the bed next to me. I prop myself up on my elbow to watch him nap and again ask, "_what am I doing?_" I like hanging out with Shaun, he understands me more than anyone else in the shit hole that is San Pedro, more than Gabe or Jeannie; maybe even more so than Tori. He appreciates my artwork, too. It's hard for me to put my creativity out on display for everyone to see, and he's the first in a long time to acknowledge my art for more than pretty pictures or "sweet tags"; for him to realize the art is a piece of my soul is just, wow. The last person to do that was Mom. God, I miss her.

Shaun shifts again, this time rolling onto his back from his side and the afternoon sun peeks through the blinds shining onto him. I watch the slow rise and fall of his chest, his steady, shallow breathing. That chest, which feels so broad when I lay my head on it. The stubble on his chin that scratches my head, ever so softly when he goes to kiss my forehead. Strong arms wrapped around me that make me feel so small and protected; like he will just keep all the bad away. I want to be there, want to feel that right now, but don't want to wake him.

I snicker to myself, "_poor 'old' man! Master tires too easily,_" I think. But who could blame him? After all, he has been doing most of the work when it comes to... Oh come on Zach, you can say it! You had no trouble when it came to thinking or talking about "it" with Tori, so why can't you put it into words now? "_Because if I say it, not only does this become real, but it's something I'll have to give up._"

With that thought, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't want to give up Shaun, I don't want to go back to feeling stuck. I don't want to go back to feeling like sex is a chore. Sex with Shaun is a whole new level of feeling, coming. It was just a few hours ago that Shaun laid me out on the bed and looked at me with passion in his eyes. I could physically see the need, the want to make me feel amazing. I've never gotten so hard so fast, just from one look! I really want to make him feel the same way, I want to make him come grunting and gasping.

Again, I think to myself, "_What the hell am I doing?_" as I reach out my hand, drape it across Shaun's stomach, and shift closer to his warm body. Shaun "hmms" and opens his eyes, looks at me with a huge smile and messy bedhead (huh, I can see why Tori liked the look) and says "Hey babe..." in a rough morning voice. I lean up and give him a strong kiss, which is equally and eagerly returned. When we break apart, I start to trail kisses down Shaun's neck; I'm going to do this, I'm not going to lose my nerve.

I kiss across Shaun's shoulder and down his chest, sneaking a look up at his face when I find his nipple and pinch it with my teeth. The reaction he gives, a quick inhale "hiss" and groan, settles me in some bizarre way; let's me know I'm doing a good job. After tonguing, nipping, and kissing for a little while at Shaun's delicious nipples, I can feel his cock begging to be touched. I want to touch it, feel the weight of his cock in my hand, the warmth of it. Shaun gets taken by surprise when I reach into his soft, black, boxers and start to stroke his cock in rhythm with my attentions to his nipples. This is crazy, my hand is wrapped around Shaun's cock and it feels right, almost like home. He's making these rough, animalistic noises that don't compare to the little breathy sounds Tori used to make; and when we crash into a passionate kiss, his lips are strong and firm, his tongue is broad and warm inside my mouth. Shaun makes a subtle move to sit up and I get the feeling he's wanting to shift the dynamic to take over, as if I'm possibly uncomfortable with the way things are going; trying to "protect" me in some way again. I take the hand that isn't wrapped around his cock and place it open on his chest to stop him. When I look at his questioning face, I can only hope that my outward expression doesn't betray how freaked out I am about what I'm wanting to do next.

Steadily, I pull Shaun's cock out from inside his boxers and start the rhythm with my hand again as I shift down the bed. I want to taste him, but there's a heavy feeling in my stomach. He smells good, there's a salty musk like the ocean, a smell that just screams "Shaun". I decided to stop thinking about it and just go for it. When I kiss the top of his head, Shaun almost jumps. I think about how Shaun used his mouth on me and all the porn I watched and figured copying what I saw would be the best. I use my tongue and lick from the bottom to the shaft all the way to the tip and he lets out a strained "Oh my god!" which goes straight to my dick. He tastes just like he smells! Warm and salty, heavy and soft. Still feeling my way around, after awhile I want to feel the weight of him in my mouth. I slowly let my mouth open to Shaun's cock, careful not to let my teeth get in the way, remembering that first time with Tori. That heavy feeling in my stomach disappears at the first groan that rolls out of Shaun. I can't help but smile inside, and start to use my mouth on Shaun, dragging up and down on his amazing cock, rolling my tongue along the underside. Shaun puts a hand on the back of my head, running his fingers through my hair and I, embarrassingly, let out a little moan around the cock in my mouth. The "OH FUCK!" Shaun lets out as his head falls back and the added rocking of his hips makes me feel a little better about the moan. I notice Shaun's breath is becoming more ragged and the grip on my head is a little stronger, when he warns me he's just about ready to come. I take his cock back into my hand, losing my nerve at the thought of Shaun coming in my mouth. Shaun lets out a sharp cry at the loss of my warm mouth but almost instantly comes hard, grunting and groaning through the orgasm I just gave him. I did it! I gave a _blow job_ that made this _man_ feel wonderful. I still can't help feeling like a shithead though, losing my nerve at the last minute, not being able to take it all the way through to the end.

Huffing and bathed in beautiful glow, Shaun looks at me with hooded eyes as I sit up in the bed. "Well... that's an awesome way to wake up from a nap!"

"uh yeah... It's just...you've spent the last day making sure I'm comfortable; that I'm feeling good and done... fucked. I liked the way you've made me feel, so I thought I'd try returning the favor."

Shaun is looking at me like the sun is shining out of my ass. That look is actually making me melt, it's kinda... cute.

As Shaun reaches for the towel left on the floor from the last time we fooled around I feel the need to apologize.

"hey... I'm sorry I didn't go all the way through. I just kinda freaked out and... "

"Babe, shut up and enjoy it! It was wonderful! And besides, I'd like to hope you'll have more chances to try in the future."

God Shaun, you have no idea how much more I'd like to try! As I climb into the position to put my head on his chest and melt into him, I have the thought, "_Whatever the hell I'm doing, Shaun, I'm going to do it with you_."


End file.
